somewhere...under the rainbow

never in my life have i felt so lost...as if blood drips constantly from my fingers and all that i touch catches a flaming red accent; i look at my reflection and i see a shadow of what was once me. never again myself, never again a true smile. never again will i feel my heart whole and my path smoothly laid before me. despair runs dry...at one point one can't even call it despair, it's called habit, endless gestures, deprived of faith, deprived of scope. rain awaits inside clouds outside, i guess it might be autumn depression or just the realization that there was never truth in this life. everything seems so strange and alien. i can't call any one place my true home, or even one person a family member, i feel the need to cry constantly because i know i might need to do a lot of things but i no longer have the energy to do so. all i want to do is sleep, sleep so much so as to forget even my name. don't want to go anywhere, do anything, feel...i felt too much, give me numbness...and after the numbness sets in, i slowly die inside and outside, can't play this game anymore, can't pretend anymore, i'm not that good of an actress. tears on my cheeks, even though i wish this well would dry...dammit. it's over, i'm over...lost, somewhere under the rainbow